Conflict, a complication in inter-personal communication which happens when the intended meaning is not conveyed accurately to the recipient. It is a culprit in causing the souring of one’s relationship with another. Recently, I encountered a conflict with this particular friend and our friendship was in jeopardy as a result. The below account describes what happened.
I have two close male friends, let’s name them X and Y. The three of us have known each other since our secondary school days. I have always thought that no matter what misunderstandings or problems we encounter, our friendship will stay strong. However, this assumption was proven wrong when both X and Y were serving their National Service (NS) liability.
X has always been very popular and well-liked by teachers in school, and he was well-known as a ‘girl-killer’. He felt that it was a combination of his flawless skin, ideal height and body build that attributed to his ‘fame’ and popularity over the years. Indeed, X, with a height of 183 cm and a well-toned body, is handsome in the opinions of many.
However, his high self-esteem started to dwindle when he started serving his NS liability. He experienced a serious pimple outbreak. He felt that he was no longer as popular as before and had lost his charm. He started to lose confidence in himself and felt that people, especially girls, were starting to shun away from him due to the condition of his face. He felt very depressed and he confided his problem to my friend Y and I. At that time, both of us thought that it was just a temporary down period in his life, and assured him that he would recover by seeking medical treatment. As his close friends, we helped him by finding affordable medical facial treatment services. Also, we advised him to stay patient and optimistic, for the skin healing and regeneration process would take a long time.
However, X simply did not heed our advice and was overly-anxious about his face recovery. As he no longer could withstand all the odd stares from passer-bys, he was eager to sign up for a facial package that cost a whooping $2,388 from ABCD Skin Solution, which his army friends had recommended and endorsed the speedy recovery. As a result he asked both Y and I out one day, with the intention of borrowing a large sum of money from us for this purpose.
Of course, after hearing his words, both of us felt that he was being irrational and ridiculous, as he had previously spent a bomb on all the medication and facial products. Moreover, we had lent him quite a sum of money for his facial treatment and hence we rejected his request. To our dismay, he reacted strongly to our answers, and got so angry that he started swearing at us. He scolded us for being stingy and not understanding. He felt that we despised him because of his facial condition. As a result of such ugly words, the three of us got into a heated argument. In the end, X stormed off, saying that that was the end of our friendship.
SInce that incident, he never contacted us anymore. Both Y and I were quite upset by his rash actions and blunt words. We thought that we could stay by him and tide over this problem together with him.
So now, readers of this blog post, what do you think Y and I should do to salvage our friendship with X?
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Conflict. An ugly word.
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7 comments:
Hi Wei Ying,
I would like to start off by pointing out that National Service is not a liability, but a privilege - which is accorded only to citizens and second generation permanent residents.
With regards to EQ principles, I feel that X would probably need to work on self-regulation, and not let his emotions lead to such an outburst. I am certain that he regrets his actions today.
As such, I feel that you and Y could perhaps try to initiate contact with X and see how he responds. You and Y would probably have to take care not to bring up this issue if and when X agrees to meet up again, until X is ready to discuss the issue.
Dear Wei Ying,
The key question here would be - 'How much do you care about getting X back as a friend?'
If it does matter a lot, it would probably help trying to meet with him again and catch up. It might be the case that he doesn't bear a grudge anymore and has softened his stance with time.
Additionally, I am not sure if you have seen X since the argument. Maybe his pimples have gone off/been removed and he has regained his self esteem.
On a different note, it is indeed sad that we take our looks so seriously - especially since we cannot do much to change what we have. If our self esteem hinges on our looks, we are in a very dangerous position indeed.
You do a good job of describing the problem scenario, Wei Ying. We readers get a good feel the characters involved and the crux of the conflict. I also have to admit that I'm amazed by Mr. X's behavior. I hope his stint in National service serves him well.
I also note that Clement reacted to your means of characterizing National Service. In fact, your use of the word "liability" was quite loaded. I suppose that having seen his reaction, you see that even something like a single word can cause a misunderstanding.
Thanks for sharing this scenario!
Hi Wei Ying!
I agree with Rohan – if your friendship with X matters a lot to Y and you, you should contact X again.
I would not say that X was right in swearing and shouting at Y and you, and I certainly do not feel that Y and you were wrong in rejecting his request, given that both of you had already spent quite a sum helping him. However, perhaps we could empathize with X. During that period of time, he must have been extremely upset with his condition – almost desperate – from what I read in your blogpost. Given the emotional stress he must have had, he probably said those words to Y and you in a fit of anger. I believe we all do say things which we do not mean when we are upset and/or angry.
Like Clement, I am certain that X regrets his actions, and maybe he is at a loss at what to do too. Therefore, if Y and you could make the first move to contact X again, perhaps this friendship could be salvaged.
Hi Weiying,
I find your description of the situation very clear and I am sorry to hear about your conflict with your close friend.
Indeed, to some people, external appearances matters and they are willing to spend a lot of money just to have the "perfect" look. I think Mr. X had been overly self-conscious about his external appearances to the extent of being less rational in making decisions pertaining to this issue. However, it is good that both Mr. Y and you were being understanding towards him at the beginning when both of you tried to encourage and motivate him to be optimistic.
However, I feel that perhaps both of you could have talked to him about things like, external appearances should not be the central of his life and that beauty is only skin deep. Such encouragement and motivation might change his viewpoint towards his appearances and he might be less heavily affected by his change of looks. You could also explain to him that people who shun away from him because of his change in appearances would not make good friends as their friendship is superficially based on appearances. I believe that once Mr. X is able to understand this point, he would not be that overly mindful and anxious about his acne outbreak.
In terms of emotional intelligence, I find that Mr. X should practise more self-management in managing his anger and anxiety. Instead of expressing his disappointment of not being able to borrow any money from the both of you by swearing, he should have controlled his emotions and impulses. With more self-regulation, he would then be able to empathize with the reasons and feelings the Mr. Y and you had at the time. Mr. Y should also empathize that both Mr. Y and you are not full time working adults and hence should not blame the both of you for your inability to support him financially.
However, I also feel that Mr. Y and you should try to explain to him the reasons of why both of you did not want to lend him the money for his treatment before rejecting him. Since Mr. X was in a unstable emotional state, instead of rejecting him straight, you could change the topic and suggest alternatives for his facial treatment, reminding him that the facial package that his friend suggested might be too exorbitant for him.
Since the past cannot be changed, what both Mr. Y and you can do is to empathize with Mr. X, that the unpleasant swearing and reaction from him at that point of time may be a result of his emotional instability. He might have already regretted what he did to the both of you but did not wish to contact you for fear that you might not have forgiven him. Hence, it would be a good idea to let go of the past, forgive him, and initiate a casual conversation with him again. Try to find out how he is doing now and whether he is still angry at the both of you.
If he has let go of his unpleasant feelings towards you, you may wish to resume your close friendship. I would suggest that you try to be sensitive about this particular issue and not raise it again if he feels uncomfortable talking about it. Of course, if it is necessary, you should try to persuade him, regarding what I have mentioned earlier on beauty being skin deep. This I believe is what friends should help each other in, much more than supporting one another financially.
I hope my comments would help you in rebuilding your friendship with him.
I am sorry that I have made such a long post. I have got so much to say that I was not being able to be concise.
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